sábado, 18 de agosto de 2007

Consejos para ir a la Iglesia

Como todos ustedes saben, la iglesia y yo no nos llevamos ni de cerca, son lugares mediocres y para mediocres, si hay algo que agradezco es que no me hayan metido en esa dinámica tan espantosa en la que el populacho acepta a esa nadeidad ilusoria y que como dice Spider Jerusalem en la serie gráfica Transmetropolitan (si no la han leido, leanla, es excelente y muy bizarra) "I'm calling your faith Billshit, These people needs medical help if they can't get through their lives without something invisible to believe in"; pero como siempre hay ocasiones en las que uno esta cuasi obligado a ir a esos sitios que cada vez son menos artísticos, con lo cual pierde cualquier posible interes, pero para esos momentos obligatorios esta lo que sigue, una serie de consejos para pasar por alguien que no odia a la iglesia ni a los feligreses o para pasar el rato perdido en ese lugar, yo he hecho casi todos los puntos, por eso los comparto tal cual los he realizado.

1.-Pueden usar frases como "El padre habló con la verdad" siempre salvan de lo que no se sabe y evita la confrontación con el resto de las infra-personas que si estuvieron escuchando al parroco.

2.-Usar frases completamente ambigüas como: "Fue realmente profundo lo que se mencionó sobre el compromiso y en particular sobre el alma" simepre te haran ver bien y que escuchaste la plática y pude derivar en platicas más profundas y filosóficas.

3.- Está mal visto ir a Sanborns a perder el tiempo, pero el ir a comprar de urgencia el regalo de la fiesta en cuestión o algo para que tanto uno como nuestra pareja se vea bien esta bien visto; tambien se puede excusar a los que van por un dulce para nivelar a nuestro organismo y de paso un cafe para "quitarnos la somnolencia y así aguantar el resto de la fiesta".

4.- Hipoglucemia, Presión Baja, Presión Alta, Embarazo y Diabetes son enfermedades que proporcionan excelsas excusas pues además están muy bien vistas por la sociedad.

5.- Si escribes en alguna libreta algo y te cuestionan, indica que se trata de una crónica de la fiesta para regalarsela a los anfitriones.

6.- Por educuación no hay que conversar de temas como la religión y la política; pero siempre está bien visto hablar de los padres pederastas y de chistes sobre curas (y creanme que funciona).

7.- Gracias a la función "vibrar" del celular, siempre podras excusarte y salir de ahí con la seguridad de que aunque hablen de uno, de todas maneras lo respetarán por ser parte de la fuerza laboral del país.

8.- No uses iPod u otro sitema de reproducción de audio pues siempre se escucha y te señalarán; sin embargo es permitido si es radio y hay partido, siempe habrá una sección de fanáticos que te protegeran y te acogerán en su seno en ese momento.

9.- Recorre la iglesia con cara de interes e indica que estudias "Historia del Arte", nunca falla, en espacial si utilizas la frase "Neoclásico Postmodernista" en relación a la estructura arquitectónica de la iglesia, suena muy complicado y nadie debatirá el punto, si alguien sabe que esa frase no existe seguramente es igual de ateo/agnosta que uno y tampoco dirá nada.

10.- Juntate en la "Sección Ateos" en particular cerca de un pariente directo y de rango inmediatamente superior (gracias a mi padre y a mi abuelo por esto); nunca nadie te dirán nada y tendrás carte blanche para hablar de cualquier tema y criticar casi a cualquiera.
11.- No lean ni a Tolkien ni a Lovecraft, siempre habrá alguien que los reconozca y pueden echar bronca por ello (por razones obvias tampoco hay que llevar "Conversación en la Catedrál " ni nada de Bataille o de Miller).

12.- Seda de Alessandro Baricco, Obras Completas (y otros cuentos) de Monterroso, Antología de Sabines y Poemarios I, II o III de Benedeti siempre son buena opción, son chicos y siempre te distraen.

13.- Lleva tu cámara y funge como fotógrafo alterno (y de paso critíca y quejate del fotógrafo oficial), nunca te dirán nada. Además si usas frases como "Ni Doisneau (o Bresson dependiendo del gusto personal) tomaría esta foto" acabarás apantallando estúpida pero concisamente a los que te echen bronca.

14.- Da unas monedas de Costa Rica como diezmo, son grandes, hacen mucho ruido y no valen nada, no quedarás mal al no dar dinero y no te quedaras pobre (nunca he dado dinero ni nuca lo daré a esa institución... prefiero gastarlo en los Borrachos de afuera de mi casa o en los limpia vidrios de la esquina, es mucho más practico y me da menos coraje, además no soy católico, no tengo obligación de darles nada, ni mi atención ni mi dinero).

15.- Corrige las inconsistencias y faltas ortográficas de cura, te hará ver intelectual y filosófico; especialmente si te ves ofendido da más resultado.

16.- Recuerda que la Biblia y el Corán dicen muchas cosas similares, cítalas y depués hechale la culpa a la interpretación de laiglesia y a la falta de interpretación por parte de los Sunitas, esa mezcla nunca ofende a nadie pues pocos realmente entenderán todo y preferirán no decir nada.

17.- Recuerda que todos detestan al Papa Ratzinger (aka Benedicto XVI), dedicate a compararlo con el Papa Alejandro VI y como desde 1500 la iglesia esta decayendo cada vez más... pocos reconocen al Papa Borgia.

18.- No Cites a Alexander Pope, ni a Lord Byron ni a Bacon, puede traerte problemas; recuerda que Pardise Lost de John Milton fue prohibido por muchos siglos, tampoco lo utilices.

19.- Ve a ver los jardines o a los Nichos excusandote de tu tristesa por el fallecimiento de algún familiar o figura idílica (recomiendo usar a Bergman o a Antonioni, pocas personas conocen quién es y el sentimiento será más real que de algunos familiares).

20.- Tus anecdotas de Europa, Argentina u otros logares fuera de las fronteras de la nación nopalera siempre apantallan pues siempre puedes derivar a las iglesias que viste por allá, la gente a tu alrededor va a quedar impactada y creeran que éres muy creyente.

15 comentarios:

Anónimo dijo...

No deberías hacer ese tipo de comentarios ofensivos, porque la iglesia es el cuerpo de Dios, y pienso que talvez pienses eso porque nunca has experimentado un milagro o la presencia de Dios en tu vida.

Anónimo dijo...

Thanks for sharing the link, but unfortunately it seems to be offline... Does anybody have a mirror or another source? Please reply to my post if you do!

I would appreciate if a staff member here at artshoup.blogspot.com could post it.

Thanks,
Charlie

Anónimo dijo...

Hi,

Thanks for sharing the link - but unfortunately it seems to be down? Does anybody here at artshoup.blogspot.com have a mirror or another source?


Thanks,
Peter

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